Loving U: the Poetry of Susan Bradley

If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships—the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.
—Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Healing and Understanding Upsets

I wholeheartedly agree with the above quote and further state that men and women need to learn not only to live together, but also to love together.

When there is upset in a relationship, and it sounds and feels like the other party is not paying attention, it becomes very difficult to feel loving. I have heard many people fault John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, for focusing on the differences between men and women. I believe that in order to heal those differences and grow together in the same direction, we must first acknowledge them, celebrate the similarities, and then unite in common purpose.

There are inherent differences between sexes, sexual orientation, generations, and cultures. It is our responsibility to notice these differences, and communicate love effectively in spite of them. There are times when a woman tries to explain something to a man that he will never quite grasp and vice versa.

Let me give you an example of estrogen speaking and testosterone listening:

Jack (calls out with panic in his voice): Where's my book? Where's my book?

Sue says: It's over here. Why are you panicking? It's just a book.

Jack: My plane tickets are in it.

Sue:Oh, okay. Can you find a safer place for them, please?

Jack doesn't answer.

Four hours later, Jack's yelling: Where's my book? Do you have my book?

Sue: No, but I know where it is. She reaches to get it and finds a signed endorsed check for $5,000 dollars in it.

Sue says, Jack, I thought you said you only had your plane tickets in this book, but there's $5,000 dollars in it! You've been carrying this book in and out of taxis throughout New York City. You've left the book in an open bag and unattended in a meeting room. Would you please find a better place to keep our tickets and that money?

Jack doesn't answer.

Later, Sue pipes up: Jack, are you still keeping those checks in that book? The look on Jack's face says, Yes, but don't bug me. Sue shrugs, feeling helpless to change the situation. Later that evening their plane ride ends in another city due to fog in their hometown and the passengers wait from 12:15 a.m. to 2:30 a.m. to get a bus home. When they finally arrive at 5 a.m. exhausted, just as the bus pulls away, Jack yells out: Oh no! My book! My book! I left it on the bus!

After two hours on the phone Sue is able to get a turnpike ticket taker to stop the bus and get the book returned with the money intact— a near miracle. Jack acknowledges that it was a stupid thing to do but does not want to discuss it any further. Sue sees that the real cause of all of this upset was Jack's unexplainable reluctance to listen to her previous three suggestions —that the money be placed in his wallet or some other more appropriate place. She wonders what else will occur that could have been prevented in their future life together. It will occur because he is unwilling to see his automatic way of resisting anything she suggests doing.

So, the following conversation ensues:

Sue says: I'd like to talk about a way that we can prevent these things from happening again.

Jack says: I know it was stupid. I'm sure won't do that again.

Sue: You may never leave checks inside of a book again. But, I'm sure that you will ignore my suggestions in the future. That's what I want to resolve.

Jack: The situation is over, what's done is done, and I don't feel like discussing it.

Sue: What could I have said or done differently that would have prevented your refusing to put the checks away?

Jack: How long are you going to harp about this?

Sue: I'm committed to have a breakthrough in the way we communicate with each other to ensure that things like this do not happen again.

He blows up and screams that she's nagging and won't ever let go of a situation. She's committed to making a difference in the relationship and perceives his angry outburst as a sign that he does not care about the quality of their relationship. Since she does not want to believe that he does not care, a little later she tries one more time, to heal the issue at it's roots.

Jack had an overbearing father who was always right and never let his son voice his opinions. Jack learned to avoid saying anything to upset him but also repressed his anger at himself and his father for not being man enough and loving enough to deal with the situations differently. By refusing to talk, listen to reason or come up with alternative ways of being Jack is treating Sue in much the same way that his father treated him.

Sue recognizes this issue, having experienced it more than once. She once again tries to open up the issue for discussion and healing.

Sue says: Jack, I think your baggage from the past — your mental conditioning and relationship with your deceased father — is affecting how you interpret my actions toward you. Unless you begin to look at and deal with that, it will poison our relationship and possibly cause a break up.

Jack says: So, you want me to say yes to your every request or our relationship will end. The world has to bow down when you want something done your way.

Sue: No, I don't expect people to accept my every request. You're exaggerating.

Jack rolls his eyes upward.

Sue: That's not what I said. I said, that you do not respond to my requests to do things because you perceive me to be issuing an order in instead of asking you to do something. This isn't just me, you would react the same way to any woman with whom you were involved. This would still be an issue. You had the same issue with your last two wives and your father.. When they asked you to do something, you perceived it as an order like those your father gave you and you ignored the request. It would be so much better if you even said, No, I am not willing to do that right now.

I'd like to know that you are saying no to something because you are saying no and not because of some unconscious resistance that stems from your past relationship with your father.

For example, last summer, when I explained to you that it's nearly impossible to rollerblade on gravel without killing yourself, you couldn't hear that from me. So, you decided to do it anyway and fell. Now that you injured yourself, we cannot do this activity together. I am upset that you deliberately ignored the same precautions that anyone else would have given you about rollerblading merely because you are transferring issues you had with your dad onto me.

When I asked you 3 times nicely to find a more secure place for your $5,000 signed endorsed check than using it as a bookmark for a book while on a bus, you neither answered me nor took action. I assert that the real reason that you did not take action on a valuable item was because I requested it and you re-created me as your father.

Because you did not take action and you ended up leaving the book with the checks and our plane tickets inside on a bus headed for Pittsburgh. Our entire family suffered with the upset, worry over financial loss, and lack of sleep due to the many phone calls that it took to retrieve the checks safely. I am concerned that you will jeopardize our future and your own future welfare by reacting to issues from your past instead of seeing a woman's request as a contribution to you and an opportunity to reject, honor, or counter-offer it.

I know that if this attitude prevails over the coming years in our relationship that my love and enthusiasm for this relationship will slowly get eaten away and one day I will wake up and want a different partner. I would rather get out of this relationship right now, than find out later that I was right and you refused to look at your motives. So, I am requesting that you look at this issue and lets discuss it again in one week.

Jack says: So unless I say yes to your every request this relationship is over.

Sue turns and walks away in despair over not being understood and gives up ever trying to solve the issue.

This is how relationships die.

No one feels heard. If we don't acknowledge the differences in interpretation and communication then we will end up alone and bitter. . .or together and loveless. Instead of looking at your partner as your adversary:

Listen to what they are saying.
Thank them for being willing to bring up a difficult issue.
Thank them again and state that the issue brings up some feelings and emotions that you need time to sort through.
Explain that you will evaluate what they said, try it on like a shoe, and later incorporate what's appropriate about the knowledge and insight into their life.

If you are the one suggesting the change

Don't look for immediate gratification.
Don't expect the person to say, You're so right. I'll change that right away. Control issues come up and people want to change in their own time.
Try writing letters. Writing letters to a partner explaining how you feel is less threatening to them because you are not right in their face waiting for a response. I know that what I'm about to ask you is not easy but, give your partner time to process your upsets, considerations and suggestions. This is where counting to one-thousand when your blood is boiling becomes useful.

On effective letter writing:

Begin with

Dear ______, My fear is. . .

Spell out your fear in concrete language.
Mention the incident or incidents that occurred, together with the feelings they produced in you. Indicate how you would like the relationship to change, grow and become more intimate.

I want our relationship to. . .
This fear comes up when you. . .
It makes me angry when you. . .
What I would like you to do is. . .
I am sorry for. . .
What I am willing to do is. . .
I want you to know that I love you and. . .
I appreciate it when you. . .

Add a kind or appreciative ending to your message.

Thank you.
Love, ________________

Ask them to respond to you in writing. I highly recommend that you follow the suggestions even if your partner wants to discuss the issues in person.
Re-request your desire to have them take the same time that you did and put the response in writing. After that, by all means, kiss and make up, and talk about the issues.

Always be on the lookout for issues from your past that surface and cause upset. Dedicate yourself to completing and healing those issues and you will create more harmony and understanding in your long term relationships. Once you heal past wounds (a.k.a Love Barriers) in your life they won't have as much control over your emotions. You'll begin to recognize them as they surface and even prevent them from turning into bigger issues. The more you heal, the more you can feel loving.

Take a good look at the old tapes you have playing in your head.

One day, my partner refused to believe me that the stores were really open until 9 p.m. on Saturday. I couldn't understand his unwillingness to believe me and I felt hurt. This was a sign for me to look at my own unhealed parts, my love barriers. Anyone else would just have said, Fine, don't believe me, it's your problem. I took it personally. It wasn't until one week later when my own father refused to believe something I said that I realized that I overreacted to my partner. I immediately went to him and said, Honey, remember when I got upset because you didn't believe me about the stores not being open? I overreacted because it reminded me of similiar situations with my father. I am so sorry. He appreciated the explanation and since then I have not taken it personally when I share information with someone who doesn't believe me.

I grew up with a father who acted like he knew it all. More than 80% of the time he would cut off your explanation and not believe it. It was maddening. Since I have broken through this particular love barrier, I am freer to be me. You will be too once you realize that you don't hve to listen to those old tapes playing in your head. Push PAUSE, STOP, and EJECT often.

If you want phone and e-mail coaching in healing upsets, getting through a divorce while keeping your life on purpose e-mail us at LovingUniversity @ cs.com or take one of our weekend retreats in Big Sur, CA.

Healing and Understanding Upsets

This is how relationships die.

On effective letter writing:

Take a good look at the old tapes you have playing in your head.

Meet the Love Coach

Susan Bradley, RN